My name is Kim Weaver. I am a drug addict in recovery. My past life is my qualifier. I had my first beer when I was 12 years old. shortly afterward I felt very different. Later that year when I had moved to a different city and the chance came to have another beer with my peers I could say sure I have drank before. I have told my story a lot and I always qualify with the audience a few questions. Have any of you ever lost a friend or relative to drugs or alcohol? I see a lot of hands raised up almost all of them. Have any of you ever been in trouble with the police, family, boss etc... because of alcohol or drugs?? All hands are raised ! that is good. Have any of you ever gotten in trouble with the law, faced Judges, spent time in jail or the hospital because of alcohol and or drugs??? Most all hands are raised. That is how we are similar and that is how we relate. My drinking at 14 went to smoking pot, then acid I dropped out of school and started the next year and I dropped out again. I had already lost all my ambition to drugs .

 

Then some pharmaceuticals and eventually the needle.I was 19 year old and me and some friends of mine broke into several drug stores and of course we eventually got caught. I was very fortunate in that the judge sentenced us to a state drug and alcohol facility. I had marijuana delivered to me these. and after 2 months was sent to jail to do work release. I Did not have a problem. While I was in the state facility I had written to a girl I knew and she was in a halfway house because of drug use. When I got a job on work release I started seeing her and after I was off of work release I rented a house and married her. We were together for 6 months and so was drugs. We eventually got a divorce and I stayed away from drugs and just smoked pot and drank. I $24,000.00 on crack cocaine and all the trimmings. In the year 2000 I sold my house and had $28,000.00 That was my next run I had nothing to show for any of that money when it was gone. In 2002 I was holding my Mothers hand in the hospital when she died. I wanted to cry , I felt bad but the tears just would not flow. She left me 6 properties in a trust and they provided me with a small income no bills and a place , a very nice place to live. I was and addict , I was in my addiction and I was getting very good at digging a hole.I had a very nice Jeep Grand Cherokee with only 35,00 miles on it and totaled it out going to get my dope.

 

I received $14,000.00 from the insurance company and went a on another very good short cocaine run. By this time I had started putting cocaine into my veins.In the fall of 2004 I was aty home when one of my drug friends came over at 1:00 in the morning and said he new where a house was we could hit. I had been an antique dealer for over 22 years and I new if anything was in that house I would be able to get me a good bzz on tomorrow. I hit the house and yes the next day I sold what I had stolen and got my short lived high. sometime in the latter part of 2004 I was and had been in a haze for what seemed for years I had a knock on the door. I answered it and there were two men in suits and they asked my name. I told them and you know what was next....Mr Weaver would you please put your hands behind your back, Do you have and weapons drugs or sharp objects on your person. I was arrested for the burglary from months before.I was arrested. I went to the county jail and sat there for 5 days. I was released on a $50,000.00 dollar bond. When I got out of jail I realized I had a problem. I wanted Cocaine and I immediately started to think of any way I could to get high. I dove further into my addiction. I am 6'5" tall and I weighed 160 pounds. I was dieing. When I got there I had not used for 2 days and I wanted to do nothing but sleep.

 

On the way there it was 100 miles from where I lived. I must have stopped at every fast food place open and got hamburgers, milkshakes and french fries. My stomach that I had not used but every so often for years had suddenly awoken. In January of 2005 my Aunt came and on the 28th of January of 2005 I went to treatment . I did not know it but this was to be the turning point in my miserable life. I did not care if I lived or died. I could not see living with or without drugs. I new something in my life needed to change and I a spark of realization that I did not know what I needed to change. I was given my first big book. I have been in trouble with the law all of my life. Every time I had a problem it was drug related. Every time I went in front of a Judge I was never recommended to a 12 step program. This was the first. All I knew about the fellowships A.A., N.A. and C.A were their names. After a few day sand my head cleared and the fog lifted. I was sent from detox to a cottage. We had groups and listened to lectures and so forth. I was reading my Big Book and I came to a prat that said the 12 steps. I read the first one and for me I had spiritual experience. I read the first step and what I saw was my whole life from my first beer at 12 years old to my final legal trouble and being out of jail on a $50,000.00 dollar bond and being in treatment again.

 

I of course had to do this 1st step work and this and that reading and write all this and that down but for me I was so tired and they had already told me that i did nit have a drug problem . My drug use was the by product of a much, much bigger problem. They said I had a Kim problem.I was worried about my legal problems and they told me I could do nothing about them right now. I was in treatment and I need to learn to "STAY IN THE DAY" And I did ! I came to the second step in the book. I did a lot of treatment plan work on the steps and what I came to see in my life about the 2nd step is that I and my way of thinking is sick. All my way ever did for me my "WHOLE" life was get me deeper in a hole or in more trouble.My way did not work. In the 2nd step if I do what these other people (people in the fellowships and room of recovery.) I might get what they have found. That is how to live a day at a time clean and sober. The treatment facility took me to a recovery meeting and told me I needed to get a sponsor. I did. I started from step one and when I got to step 3 I hit a very big wall. My religion.I read I was running my life over to God and I saw myself out on a street corner handing out you can be saved flyers. Come to Jesus and be saved. I was stuck. I was mad. I did not see the sense in any of this. A woman in treatment saw my trouble and with a few words she tore down the wall I had made so solid. She said Kim read the 3rd step prayer.

 

I did and I found my life saving answer. I read:re leave me of "Bondage of Self" that I"I May Better do Thy Will" In that I saw I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I can only give so much of myself over to God at any given time. I need to find a Good of my own understanding. I did ! I have a God that wants me to be free, happy, joyous and enjoy my life. Soon after that I saw he wants me to help others anytime and the best way I can. I was a new person . I was getting some relief in my stressful and deadened life. I had a sponsor and he started me on my forth step. I had written down all these people that had wronged me and I was getting very angry and hot I could not go to sleep at night for my anger. My sponsor then told me to work on my 4th step during the daylight hours only I got to the 4th column and had a resentment to give my sponsor to show me how to see my part in it. I thought I had picked out a good one. I told him this guy a crack head came into my house and stole from me > it affected my pocket book. personal relationships and trust in people. I asked where is my fault in all of this. My sponsor smiled !! That is never good news ! He asked me a simple question. Kim why did you let this person into your house and your life?? I was floored !! My answer made ALL the answers for all f the rest of my resentment list . I let him into because he had cocaine. I would get some. He would want more I would go get it and I would get some then and get some when I gave it to him. I was selfish self centered and greedy.

 

When I saw this I LOST ALL ANGER AT THE WORLD AND EVERY ONE IN IT, I SAW MY PART. I had gained another small piece of serenity and peace. I had gained a little more freedom. My fear inventory came down to my root fear and it went like this. I and afraid of police. Why? I am afraid they will arrest me. Why> Because I broke the law. I am afraid they will hold me accountable. I am afraid of jail. Why> people will see me for the person I really am they will see the real me. That was my root fear. My sex inventory was the same as my resentment list. I was selfish, self seeking, self centered and greedy.I went on and got to the 9th step and I will share this one. I was on a pass from treatment and went to see my Father. I told him all I had done to him, I ask him what I needed to do to make this right? He looked at me and said it is good to see the old Kim back. Whatever it is that you are doing keep on doing it. I told him I was not the old Kim I was a different person now. I at that time could not see the change in me that he saw. With this new 12 step program working and changing my life I was able to let my Father be himself. Not trying to make him act say or be the person I wanted him to be. I was experiencing a real relationship for the first time in my life. One thing my Father said to me every time I called him on the phone or saw him in person was "I am so proud of you" Those were words I never heard my whole life from him. In my recovery for 4 and a half years my Father had a son he had never had I was holding his hand when he died.I cried and because of the steps I had left nothing unsaid to my Father. When I left treatment they recommended a halfway house. I went there and where in treatment I learned how to look at myself in the halfway house I learned to work on myself. I was there for 6 months. I got involved with my fellowship.C.A. I emptied ashtrays, helped set up and clean up before and after meetings. I chaired meetings. I became a G.S.R. I became an area delegate and went to the C.A. world service conference and met fellow addicts in recovery from ALL OVER THE WORLD !!! What a spiritual experience !!! I finally found a place in life where I fit in, I am a part of and I belong. I became a resident manager at the halfway house and stayed there for 4 years. I resigned that position and went to work as an assistant counselor at the treatment facility that showed me how to live a life clean and sober one day at a time. I finally found something I can do.Stay clean and sober and carry a message of recovery. I do my recovery every day.I am learning to put my recovery first in all I do. I am learning to practice these principles in all my affairs. I know God is doing for me what I can not do for myself. I love my life today. I know what has given me this life. I do as much each day as I can to keep this way of life. The big Book says "There is a solution" It is not a lie. I am proof. I never have to be the person I was in my disease. I never have to be alone again. I have peace. I have serenity. I have the God of my understanding working in my life. I have so many friends from ALL OVER THE WORLD.

 

 

Thank you for letting me share my life here.

Kim Weaver and addict in recovery.

Kim W. passed away due to a heart attack in recovery, shortly after sharing his story with us.

Poem by Kim W.

I stumbled, I staggered, I fell, I cried. I yelled, I screamed, I almost died, I hit, I fought, I cussed, I lied. I prayed for the end, by Gods grace I'm alive. At the end of the road, I was given a book. It was big, it was blue, it held things that were true. I took it, I read it, I listened, I tried. I found truth with a new light, where all hope had died. I have a reason to live, I have drive a to survive. I have gratitude, I have faith, I have God standing by my side. The 12 promises are real, I know they come true. Put the 12 steps in your life, grow up and be...... the real you.