I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. He walks out of the room I'm only 11 and have just been injected with drugs. It covers my memories and makes it easier for my abusers to do what they desire. I discover quickly that drugs help numb the pain. Drugs help me keep a level of sanity in a world gone mad.

The door of addiction is opened by adults who desired my child’s body. With no second thought to the little soul they rob. The drugs help me leave my body when it's happening. That's how the door of addiction was opened. We as addicts all have our doors regardless of the reason. We meet with something that takes control, destroys our relationships- robs us of the ability for logic.

It doesn't take long for that door to open. Using becomes a daily thing. We believe the drugs shield us from the pain, but in reality it builds a mountain of destruction which touches everyone in our path. A bad day at work we use, something doesn’t go our way we use. In the end we are using just to go to the store. We see glimpses of who we once were Our life unfolds and everyone begins to leave. We only project pain and others must save themselves.

That pain we tried to avoid gushes out everywhere. We become thieves, abusers, and liars. We are now strangers to ourselves and our loved ones. My addiction was a revolving door from age 11 to 20. The only passion left was getting high. I was a binge drunk and cocaine addict disappearing, losing days. My moment of truth came one morning. I found myself covered in bruises, not because someone had hurt me. But I beat myself up in an attempt to get off the floor while in a drunken slumber. My face banged on the wooden floor as I laid in my own vomit. I had become my own worst enemy.

No one could hurt me more than I hurt myself. There were pieces of time I thought, “So this is how it ends?” I cursed God for the life I had been given. I cried, “Why?” “How do you expect me to overcome this?” In the middle of my desperation I cried out one last time “I don't want to die this way!” “I don't want this to be the ending of my story.”

I don't want to feel bad any more, The pain is too great. I met my higher power that day and found out what I was made up of. I didn't want to die. I just didn't know how to process the pain. It was the beginning of my recovery and journey toward healing. I've been clean 18 years now. It didn't happen right off but God slowly worked a miracle. I've learned that truth is the most important part of recovery. I had to face the things that hurt and I had to want to get better.

I had to see my own madness, mistakes and hurts I caused others. When I set out to make my wrongs right, I learned what grace is. There is nothing you can do to earn it. I humbled myself before God and those I had hurt. I drove out the need to make excuses for the things I had done. I met myself on the floor of humanness. I learned how strong the spirit of God is. Whoever you are it's all the same for everyone. You must open the door to truth and embrace it like a lover. For in the end, it will either become our strength or weakness!


By Emily
Empowering Voices